Make/break relationship..SINCERE ADVICE PLEASE.sorry for the longest question :(but SERIOUS ADVICE ASAP,URGENT

Hi friends, need your help.


Serious help needed!


I am 21 years old, and was dating a 24 year old guy. We both are from Delhi (India), and have same religion (Sikh). We both started dating in September’07. Things were great till December’07; we both loved each other, deeply. We shared a very good, strong relationship %26amp; were physically involved too, but on mutual basis.


But then suddenly, around in December’07 I could feel that he had started avoiding me a little. He started avoiding my messages, would reply after three messages that I would send, would not take all my calls, would take the third or the fourth call, and would hung up saying, he’s been real busy with work. Initially I thought he might have been busy, but then later, it got on my nerves.


Then on my constant asking and pestering him, he told me that he wants to end all of this, he said he is not comfortable being in this relationship. I was totally moved by this saying. And then later, in a about a week’s time, when I kept on asking him, what made him take this decision; he told me that he could never marry me.


His family is totally anti-love marriage (reason being, one of his first cousin’s was recently murdered by his wife after six months of their love marriage), so because of this, the family is in a state of shock and would never accept love marriage again. He said he could feel, that both of us have been getting serious in this relationship, day by day, but he sees no future to it. So, to avoid hurting me in the end, he wanted to call it off.


He said he respects me, and hence did not wish to hurt me further, or fake anything and go around and date for the short run. He was sure, that he can not give me any commitment. Even tough he loved me to bitts, but going against his family for him, was something not possible. So, ending terms was the only way out. But then, he again left the situation on me, saying that though he wants to be with me, because he loves me, but he can’t give me commitment, so if I still want to continue with him, he is all ready. I though a little that time, and than concluded, that we can try, as it is, he is not getting married before 2010, so I thought, that things might change by then.


So, we got back to normal terms that time. Though, being normal was not all normal that time. He was usually upset and not comfortable. He always had a fear in mind, that we can never get married, and obviously we were forever moving on to a serious platform. So he was usually hesitant about it. But things were moving on like this, a little slow, but kind of okay-ish.


Then suddenly, one day something struck me, and I just messaged him saying, that did he always loved me and met me for lust! I asked him, if he was always lusting for me. And after a few hours, he simply replied back saying “yes, it was just that” ! I got totally pissed with it. I was dumbstruck. I could not believe it, and I replied back with a very sad and an ugly looking message. I broke terms with him, n abused him to the heights, (as in- abused in the message), I did not talk to him in person. But he did not say anything in return. He did not even try to give me any clarification, and nor did he abuse me back. He took it, as I said.


And then two days later, I just realized, that he might have accepted my doubt, because, that I ways I would break all terms with him and feel a little better, rather than he breaking terms with me. Because no guy on the face of earth would ever accept that he was only lusting at the girl, and secondly so easily. He made no move to prove himself right at that moment. I felt, probably I was wrong. Then to see how things were with me, he asked his best friend to give me a call and find out, (though, he himself did not make a call), and later, in 2-3 days, we got back to normal talking terms.


Yet again, we were again, but I knew he wasn’t so comfortable with the situations. He always remained upset. I too was way too upset. So, last week, I messaged him saying, that I leave everything on you today. I said, if you want to continue, let’s start all over again, but if you want to end terms so it be. I said I trust you and your decisions and whatever you say today would be my command. He replied back saying, that he respects me and my feelings, but as a matter of fact, he cannot give me long term commitment, he cannot go against his family. He said, if I still want to continue, he is still ready for it. Then I replied him back saying, that being with him is a gamble for me, and not for him, but I am ready to play this gamble all my life. I said I can try and wait all my life for your commitment because I know he loves me, but I said, you have to play it fair. I said, you cannot feel un-comfortable all the time, and cannot stay in the hiding. I said, it’s okay if u don’t give me commitment but at least don’t run away from it. I said, I can play the gamble, but if u think u can play it fair, then tell me. He then replied back saying, that lets leave it den. He cannot continue that ways, it was really awesome being with you and be in touch... And all that!


I cried and weeped after this, but then realized, this was probably our destiny. And I decided to not try to get in touch with him ever again. His relationship status on orkut suddenly changed to committed the immediate day after this. Previously, I also had deleted him from my orkut account (when that lusting issue happened), but , after all this I sent him a friends request again, saying that I am adding you only to retain an old friend, add me u wish to. For five days, neither did he add me or reject my approval. Just yesterday after five days, he rejected my friend’s approval (I know, he got online on orkut at least 25 times before that, I could see him replying other people). In the meanwhile, day before yesterday, he again made his best friend call me up, just to check out things at my end (of-course, the best friend did not say that he’s asked him to call, but I could make that out). Because, this guy never calls me otherwise, its always, when we fight or end up, this guy gives me a call just to check out things.


And then, yesterday in the evening, my boyfriend messaged me and asked me if I could catch him up, (I had just not kept in touch with him since Friday, I was totally out of touch, because he called me up on Friday and he was feeling really low that time, he said n asked me why do I send him such sarcastic messages, he said he feels really bad about them, so I promised him that time, that I would never do that ever again. So, I did not). So after his message, I said I could meet him up in half an hour’s time, so then later he said no, he doesn’t have time to wait. (He was actually outside my work-place and thought I would be there too, but I was at home, which he wasn’t aware of). Anyhow, we did not meet up.


Now, I don’t know what to do. I am in a state of dilemma. Don’t know, if I should let go him, or get in touch with him, and try to get him back. I know he loves me; he is doing all this because he loves me, but I don’t know what to do. I know he is not committed; he changed his status just to convey that message to me, so that I can abuse him and forget him. If he is not interested in me anymore, why did he make his friend call me up, to check out, how am I doing? Why did he message me yesterday? Or was he just playing around when he messaged? If he had to not accept my friends request on orkut, what took him five days to decide? He could have done it on the first day also. If he got committed immediately the next day of we calling it off, when I messaged him the first time, he could have told me that time also, that he has someone else, why did he give me another option to be with him?


Friends, you know the entire situation now, why do you think he’s behaving like this? Did he ever love me? Or was he always faking it? Does he still love me? Do u think, his love is worth waiting for? Shall I forget him and come over him? Or shall I wait for a while there, set him free? Or shall I keep on getting in touch with him? Shall I take his best friends help to find out what is happening? (Though I don’t know, if his friend would be loyal enough n not go back to my boyfriend and tell him, that I have been asking about him). What should I do? Did he ever love and cared for me? Does he still have anything for me? Why did he even message me yesterday? Shall I wait for him to message me yet again? Or shall I take an initiative this time to call/message him and ask him to catch up? Please friend, tell me what shall I do? This situation is realllly killing! Please guys, I need some serious help.


Thanks to all of u in advance, but please, give me serious answers.Make/break relationship..SINCERE ADVICE PLEASE.sorry for the longest question :(but SERIOUS ADVICE ASAP,URGENT
This is one very very complicated relationship. To tell the truth, I can imagine well, how confused you are and I would like to help you with advice, but I am not sure at all if I can tell something that can be useful to you.





If I was you... I would give up on him only with one condition - if he didn't love me. In any other way, I would fight for my love. He is insecure too, so maybe he needs not doubts, but encouragement from you and support, to remain strong and be able to believe everything is possible for you two.





Could he maybe introduce you to his family, only as a friend, just saying you have the same hobby, or something, so they wouldn't suspect anything? For his family could learn to know you and to like you, if you wouldn't be just a strange girl for them, but they knew you, maybe love marriage wouldn't seem to them so dangerous?


Time heals. So it will heal the wounds that cause the death of their relative, who has been killed. Maybe with time they won't react so strong on that. And you don't have to show them all your affection and deep crazy feelings, stay calm and even-tempered, so they could see, that you two can take reasonable decisions and take good responsibility for your lives and take care of each other.


Good luck and don't lose hope. Love hurts sometimes, but it is still amazing.





PS.To add a few things for those, who so surely say that this man doesn't love her. Life is not always black and white. All of us have our own fears and weaknesses. And as much as I know, for hindu's family has very big and deep meaning, so if he didn't obey, we don't know what would happen. Would it be so easy for any of you, who dare to blame the guy, chose between your family and a person that you love, when in one case you will for sure lose one?Make/break relationship..SINCERE ADVICE PLEASE.sorry for the longest question :(but SERIOUS ADVICE ASAP,URGENT
You can ask this question 100 different ways but it's pretty simple. you're wasting your time. this guy is very immature and is not ready for a relationship. he doesn't love you - if he did he would have stood up to his family a long time ago. When a man loves you, he will move mountains. move on sister
You slept together. He does not want you anymore (probably because you won't shut up). Get over it. Find someone else.
Do you honestly think that someone wants to sit and read all of this? Shorten it a little then ask again. You will get more answers that way.
Are there CliffNotes?
THIS TO LONG
There will never be anything but heartache in pursuing this. He has made it clear that he must obey his family. That means one thing, he chooses to obey his family regardless of what he feels about you or you feel about him. None of the other questions matter because of this. If you love someone, you will choose that someone over all else, including your family. He has made his choice and he has told you so.


You must move on and find another form of happiness. There will never be any happiness in this situation. It sounds like he would be willing to keep you on for his secret sexual pleasures, but that is all he will ever give you. Can you live with that? You may say you can now, but i guarantee you won't be happy being his concubine for the rest of your life.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE STALKING HIM AND THAT IS AGAINST THE LAW..





HE HAS MADE HIS POSITION VERY CLEAR TO YOU, I GOT IT FROM WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU?





LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.. YOU ONLY KNEW HIM FOR THREE MONTHS BEFORE HE BROKE THINGS OFF WITH YOU, AND YET YOU KEEP CONTINUING TO HARASS HIM AND HE KEEPS TELLING YOU OVER AND OVER THAT HE WILL NEVER COMMIT TO YOU....





DO YOU HAVE A LOW SELF ESTEEM THAT YOU WOULD PERSIST IN PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH ALL OF THIS TORTURE...


YOU NEED TO SPEAK WITH A COUNSELOR TO TEACH YOU HOW TO NOT BE SO NEEDY WITHIN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME AND ALSO LEARN HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE WHEN THEY TELL YOU NO, THE RELATIONSHIP MUST END AND WILL NOT GO ANY WHERE..





HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR FAMILY WOULD FEEL IF THEY KNEW HOW YOU ARE CARRYING ON CHASING THIS MAN.. THIS I'M CERTAIN WOULD DISHONOR YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY...


SO STOP THIS INSANITY. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, FOR THE SAKE OF THIS MAN YOU ARE HARASSING AND FOR YOUR FAMILY.....


DO YOU WISH TO BE SHUNNED BY YOUR FAMILY BY YOUR BEHAVIOR?
I am an American woman, and it sounds like perhaps you are from India? Or at least, have an Indian background? Am I correct?





I think I am understanding that your boyfriend loves you, but his family does not approve of ';love marriages,'; and therefore has arranged for his marriage to someone he does not love.





I think you need to move on from this man. He has toyed with your heart for too long.





The only way you should go back to him is if he is willing to stand up to his family and introduce you as the love of his life, the one he wants to marry. If he cannot do this, then he is not worthy of you. You need to find someone willing to do anything for you...even marry you despite how his family feels.





Now, I understand that I may be answering you from a very American point of view. I would be interested for you in getting an answer from someone who has the same cultural background as you.





Again, from my point of view, I say move on. Certainly there is a man out there for you who will love you no matter what, and be with you no matter what. That's what you deserve.
There are too many problems in your relationship.





Between family expectations, religious beliefs, and the cultural expectations, you have even more problems than the normal person experiences.





Try to look into the future and see that a marriage just doesn't have much of a chance to succeed when there are so many problems while you are dating.





Your relationship may have felt ';right'; to you at one time, but now it is all wrong. There can never be happiness for the two of you together. You should put an end to this for both of your sakes.
His love is not as deep as your love for him.





He does not respect you enough to tell his parents of his love.





He misses you enough to stay in contact, check on you, and even to ask you to accept that he will not marry you...but only wants to have relations with no committment.





';We shared a very good, strong relationship %26amp; were physically involved too, but on mutual basis.';





It was strong for you, but not for him.








He is using you.





I would suggest that you move on.
Look, this guy does not value the relationship he has with you. He is trying to manipulate you into accepting a lust relationshi with him with no commitment, and I know this is not what respecting you is about. He sounds like a whimp who hides behind his family for the things he says and does. He is blaiming his family when in fact it is he who does not want a committed relationship with you. I am not saying that it is not true his family is against this relationship, what I am saying is that he is using this as a convenient excuse to use you for sex. This guy sounds like trouble and will never in anyway love you the way you want to be loved.